No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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