I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
