I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
