I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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