I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Boobs are out for the taking
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
