Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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