The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
the day after is always just damage control
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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