Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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