Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
