i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
