Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Randomize
