I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Randomize
