dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
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