im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
