i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
