I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
