It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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