FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
