I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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