Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
