I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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