I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
