If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Randomize
