my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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