I only kidnapped one of them. chill
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
