I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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