If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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