If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
