Your mouth is God's brothel.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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