I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
