i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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