were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
