I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
