she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize
