Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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