Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
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