please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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