I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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