Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
