Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
