i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
