I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
