I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Is Oprah even human
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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