Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Randomize
