everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
its liver damage thursday
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