Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
