Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Randomize
