so that wasnt chicken after all
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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