I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I AM VODKA MAN
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
