Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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