cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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