I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
He has the fingertips of a God
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
