Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
