You can't motorboat a personality
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
