Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Randomize
